Lauren the Home Page
LIfe's Little Destruction Book
Introduction

Goody two-shoeism hangs like an angel's halo over the land, pressuring us to improve ourselves and constantly do the right thing. Recycling has us going around in circles. Sensitivity shades into silliness. One more rant about co-dependency and we will all go cuckoo. There are just too many good things to do.

Unchecked, the pursuit of perfection threatens to erase the little quirks and foibles that make us us. If we become any nicer, better behaved, more socially concerned, blissful- or repressed- we could end up a nation of ax murderers.

Enough already. The prescriptions and advice on these pages are meant as an antidote to niceness run rampant. The site points the way back toward sanity. Let each sentence be your clarion call. Think small and indulge yourself; vent your spleen lest it explode and splatter your neighbor. Go ahead and be a little obnoxious; make sucking noises; be pushy. Learn again to belittle, belabor, and betray. Use more plastic, grind your teeth and experience once again the exquisite satisfaction you once knew as a child when you peed in the pool. Our American way of life may depend on it.
The List
  1. Never tip more than a quarter.
  2. Keep the chain letters going.
  3. Post-date all your checks.
  4. Hum along at the concert.
  5. Take the hotel towel.
  6. Signal left; turn right.
  7. Help fools part with their money.
  8. Don't keep secrets.
  9. Pass the vicious rumors along.
  10. Exaggerate on your resume.
  11. Let everyone know how hard you work.
  12. Practice the art of limp handshakes.
  13. Hire a devious accountant; it's like giving yourself a raise.
  14. Bookmark this page.
  15. Read other people's mail.
  16. Pay tolls with $50 bills.
  17. If the mistake is in your favor, don't correct it.
  18. Butter up the boss.
  19. Talk with your hand over your mouth.
  20. Misquote.
  21. Tell the ending of movies.
  22. Stand up your date.
  23. Give little kids clothes for their birthdays.
  24. Fire people by phone.
  25. Sniffle a lot.
  26. Never make your bed.
  27. Cut people off in the middle of their sentences.
  28. Slouch.
  29. Wear jeans to weddings.
  30. Leave the toilet seat up.
  31. Drive 45mph in the passing lane.
  32. Add insult to injury.
  33. Park in the handicapped space.
  34. Take more than ten items to the express checkout line.
  35. Fumble for change when boarding buses.
  36. Turn on your brights for oncoming traffic.
  37. Borrow a book and dog-ear the pages.
  38. Finish other people's crossword puzzles.
  39. Ask people what they paid for their clothes.
  40. Rake the leaves into your neighbors yard.
  41. Pinch your spouse's love handles.
  42. Don't sign your checks.
  43. Mumble.
  44. Develop a convenient memory.
  45. Take personal calls during important meetings.
  46. Take your boom box to the beach.
  47. Remind people that their freckles could be cancerous.
  48. Don't return phone calls.
  49. Use the last square of toilet paper.
  50. Ask people how much they make.
  51. Don't flush.
  52. Peel out.
  53. Leave a wet lollipop on the new sofa.
  54. Tailgate the elderly.
  55. Tell your kids to try even harder.
  56. Tear articles from magazines in the doctor's waiting room.
  57. Put sticky syrup cans back in the cupboard.
  58. Let the phone keep on ringing.
  59. Don't dot your i's or cross your t's.
  60. Carve your name in picnic tables.
  61. Leave your thumb prints on photographs.
  62. Hold off paying the people who bill you without charging interest.
  63. Send anonymous letters.
  64. Drink from other people's glasses.
  65. Develop a truly tasteless foul mouth.
  66. Drum your fingers during other people's presentations.
  67. Leave the concert during the solo or before the clapping starts.
  68. Leave the price tags on presents.
  69. Name drop.
  70. Blow out other people's birthday candles.
  71. Don't refill the ice cube tray.
  72. Leave dairy products open in the refrigerator.
  73. Don't leave a message at the beep.
  74. Talk with your finger in people's faces.
  75. Sleep until noon every day.
  76. Get hysterical.
  77. Dress 15 years younger.
  78. Forget to shower in the morning.
  79. Be a day late for your anniversary.
  80. Always be right.
  81. Lean on the doorbell.
  82. If there is going to be a fight, make sure you start it.
  83. Repeat yourself.
  84. Repeat yourself.
  85. Bark orders.
  86. Put coal in Christmas stockings.
  87. Touch strangers.
  88. Open the casket for one last look.
  89. Alternately raise and lower your voice to make people question their hearing.
  90. Make scary faces at babies.
  91. Sneer at people who try hard.
  92. Pledge money that you won't be sending.
  93. Don't vote.
  94. Dream up special requests for waiters and waitresses.
  95. Make jokes about terrorists at the boarding gates.
  96. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
  97. Say "like" at the end of sentences, like.
  98. Snap your gum.
  99. Crack your knuckles.
  100. Reserve compliments for people who can do you some good.
  101. Treat underlings as such.
  102. Argue with everybody.
  103. Touch the paintings at the museum.
  104. Flaunt it.
  105. Threaten lawsuits.
  106. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it.
  107. Toss pants with tissues in the pockets into the washing machine.
  108. Gamble with the rent money.
  109. Record over a borrowed VCR tape.
  110. Nurture conspiracy theories.
  111. Don't get caught.
  112. Ask for a rush job except when there is a charge.
  113. Cross at the red or the green or the yellow.
  114. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two.
  115. Pry.
  116. Don't make up your mind.
  117. Try whining.
  118. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April.
  119. Talk with your mouth full.
  120. Ask her if the diamond ring is real.
  121. Pound the table.
  122. Scratch your pits whenever you want.
  123. If it feels good, do it.
  124. Answer a question with a question.
  125. See what it takes to get the lifeguard to blow the whistle.
  126. Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures.
  127. Don't give to charities unless you get something back.
  128. Add the straw that breaks the camel's back.
  129. Leave the lights on.
  130. Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow.
  131. Spot test "Wet Paint" signs.
  132. Go up the down escalator.
  133. Announce when you're going to the bathroom.
  134. Hold out until the other guy gives in.
  135. Ignore deadlines.
  136. When it says, "Reserved Parking," that means you.
  137. Take the labels off unopened cans.
  138. Adjust your underwear in public.
  139. Pinch all the chocolates until you find the one you want.
  140. When you're done with your gum, stick it under the chair.
  141. Bribe kids; they are easy.
  142. Put a too cute message on your answering machine.
  143. Measure people by the money they have and the clothes they wear.
  144. Dish it out, but don't take it.
  145. Chew other people's pencils.
  146. Support the death penalty for parking violations.
  147. Apologize a lot but don't change.
  148. Change the rules to suit your needs.
  149. Lie to your therapist and sit in her chair.
  150. Add an item or two to a list that don't really go there just so there's an even number of items on the list, such as 150 instead of 149.
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